Dear Santa (2024)

Listen to this post:

I suppose we should expect to get a few real stinkers every year, especially around the holidays, but that doesn’t take the sting of having to suffer through them. After years of solo efforts (some successful, others not so much) the Farrelly Brothers reunite for Dear Santa, a comedy of errors about a dyslexic boy who accidentally addresses a letter to Satan instead of Santa. Their first joint project in a decade, it also reunites them with Jack Black (Shallow Hal), but also begs the question: is this really the same team that once gave us classics like Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin, and There’s Something About Mary?

via YouTube

Liam Turner (Robert Timothy Smith), an 11-year-old suffering from dyslexia (sorry, learning differences) and way too old to believe in Santa Claus, nonetheless writes an earnest letter to St. Nick in the hopes the jolly old elf will grant his fondest wish. But there’s trouble within the Turner family; his mom (Brianne Howey) and dad (Hayes MacArthur) are constantly bickering and may separate, and Gibby (Jaden Carson Baker), Liam’s only friend at his new school, goes along with Liam’s big lie that he’s dying of cancer. His parents are concerned their son might be suffering from more than just “learning differences” but may actually be going crazy.

Only it wasn’t Santa who gets Liam’s better, but Satan (Jack Black) himself. But after Satan realizes that Liam’s not the brightest bulb on the tree he tries to convince the boy he’s way better than Santa, promising to grant him three wishes to make all his dreams come true. With the powers of Hell at his disposal, can Liam make the cute girl Emma (Kai Cech) give him a chance? Maybe his parents will stop fighting? There’s only one catch: the payment when all three wishes are used up is, of course, his soul.

I won’t lie, the setup is funny and the idea of a heavily made-up Jack Black prancing around as a wish-granting Prince of Darkness to a hapless preteen seems like it would be comedy gold. Alas, this promise proves to be little more than a big stinking lump ‘o coal. Directed by Bobby Farrelly and working with a dreadful script (credited to Peter Farrelly and Ricky Blitt), Dear Santa never knows what lane it wants to be in, sometimes calling back to the raunchy (i.e. better) days of earlier Farrelly hits, other times succumbing to the sanitized mindrot of most other “family” friendly content clogging up most streaming services.

At some point the film screeches to a halt to become a mini Post Malone concert, which comes as no surprise given how many Malone flavored breadcrumbs we get leading up to it. Did you know Post Malone was going to be in this movie? They never let you forget it. This section is so poorly shot and edited that I felt genuine secondhand embarrassment for the cast and crew.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, the film pulls out not one, but two final act surprises that aren’t just unearned, but they leave a queasy feeling that we’ve just been duped by a bad film willing to pull the most distasteful cinematic cheat in a crass attempt to tug at our heartstrings. I’m tempted to spoil what this last minute “surprise” is, but if you’re going to sit through this turd you probably deserve what’s coming.

Jack Black continues to flush away all the goodwill from his recent comeback success with The Super Mario Bros Movie and Kung Fu Panda 4 with yet another lazy clone of his own persona. Black as Santa/Satan hamming it up with kids should have been a slam-dunk, but his gravelly take reeks of insincerity, like he’s doing a bad impression of his own School of Rock character. Ironically, Black’s Tenacious D counterpart Kyle Gass cameos as the school’s science teacher, looking way more like Santa Claus than Black ever could.

I can’t really fault the child actors, all giving Disney Channel level performances, though it was odd to place the entire film on the back of, not Black, but Robert Timothy Smith’s awkward and chubby Liam. It doesn’t work, but few things in this film do. The same can’t be said for the adult supporting cast, all terrible, but special attention goes to P. J. Byrne’s pretentious Mr. Charles, mostly because the last time there was this much ADR farting and simulated diarrhea in a Farrelly movie it was Dumb and Dumber, and shame on Dear Santa for making me think of better times.

I had no idea who played the neurotic crossing guard doing her best (worst?) Rachel Dratch impression, but after looking her up (it’s Cate Freedman) all I can say is…your Thanksgiving dinner had less ham. Keegan-Michael Key is also here, doing little to disprove the idea his presence is usually a sign we’re in for a bad time. What does it say about a comedy starring Jack Black as Satan that the only one who escapes with any dignity is Post Malone?

It’s a shame that Dear Santa couldn’t have been a return to form for the Farrelly Brothers, but given how bad their last effort (Dumb and Dumber To) was, I guess we shouldn’t have expected more than such a lackluster effort. What a shame, as Jack Black seems game and the premise had so much potential (so much that I discovered there’s actually ANOTHER movie about a dyslexic child accidentally sending a letter to Satan/Santa produced this year alone). I guess we’ll have to settle for this subpar lump of coal instead.