“Ladies and gentlemen we’d like to welcome you to what’s sure to be one for the record books on this most patriotic of moments in American history! Folks around the world are all turning their heads towards the good old US of A to see who’ll be left standing and who’ll be headed back home in one of the most anticipated free-for-alls the likes we haven’t seen in nearly 60 years of televised coverage.
From every corner of this blessed country they’ve come, bringing with them a mix of experience and freshness that’s got the crowd going wild and with their hands in the air. Kings and queens never had it this good, and by the end of the night we’ll have a clear vision on who’s pressing forward, and who’s just depressing.
That said, let’s turn things over to our prestigious hosts this evening, like they need any introduction. On the left we’ve got the famed Jim Ross, and on the right The King himself, Jerry Lawler. Now without further adieu we’ll hand it off to you gentlemen, so take it away!”
Jim Ross: Welcome to Tuesday Night RAW live on USA. Good ol’ Jim Ross here alongside my co-host Jerry “The King” Lawler and what a show we have for you today.
Jerry “The King” Lawler: That’s right J.R. and beefs are running rampant with all the U.S. political superstars. Tonight the Democrat brand and the Republican brand get to air out their grievances before the Electamania extravaganza. I’m expecting, as you would say J.R., a slobberknocker tonight.
Jim Ross: You’re right about that, King. I expect nothing less that a good ol’ fashioned slobberknocker with the candidates we have in the ring ready to start trouble. We’ve already seen some superstars put out of action in recent weeks. The phrase that best describes the Senator of Thuganomics John Edwards is, I would say, “You can’t see me” after he was hit with vicious chair shots in South Carolina.
Jerry “The King” Lawler: Oh no doubt about it J.R. Edwards, the so-called Change Gang Soldier, got his own STFU applied right to him, didn’t he? They finally shut up that overrated pest.
Jim Ross: King! Be fair now. Edwards was a fine candidate. And look at what happened to the The Rated R Superstar, Ruge. He was the victim of a locker room ambush in Florida putting him on the injured list. He was seen a big favorite for Electamania but now those chances are shot.
Jerry “The King” Lawler: Good riddance. Time to separate the wheat from the chaff around here, I say. The Innovator of Silence, Freddy Dreamer, gone! That’s law and order for ya! Denny Mysterio Jr. or is that Denniswoggle? Whoever he is, that runt’s gone! Hacksaw Joe Biden, outta here! Hooo! I’m just waiting for the rest of these peons to realize that they don’t have what it takes to make it to Electamania.
Jim Ross: I have to say I disagree with that harsh assessment myself but by Gawd what a contest we have for our fans tonight on this super Tuesday Night RA…
“Do you smell what Barack is cookin’? HA!”
[theme song plays]
J.R. and The King: It’s Barack!!
“Barack’s layin’ the smack down
Barack says, Barack says, Barack says, Barack says,
Know your role…and shut your mouth
Barack says, Barack says know your damn role
[Barack enters the ring to deliver a promo to the other candidates]
Barack: Finally…Barack…HAS COME BACK…to Washington! I tell ya what, Stone Cold Hillary Clinton. You have the audacity to come out here and run your mouth like you’re a big shot, like you’re Barack…but obviously you’re not. You and your buddy HBC, The HeartBreak Kid Bill Clinton, thought you’d get over on the People’s Candidate but Ah-Ah that’s simply not happ’nin’. Well Barack says this: Bill Clinton, you should know your role and SHUT…your mouth! As a matter of fact, let Barack tell ya what the bottom line is, jabroni. Barack is the #1 contender for the Presidential title and what that means, you big piece of senate park trash, is that there is no way, AND BARACK MEANS, no way you will ever be the People’s President. What Barack plans on doin’ is he plans on raisin’ the Nation’s profile, he’s plans on de-taxin’ ya with Barack Bottom, and Barack will proceed to layeth the smacketh down on your roody poo candidate ass with THE MOST electrifying move in political entertainment today, the People’s Escrow.
“Barack is gonna claim the People’s Favor vote by vote by damn vote. He will create literally millions…and millions of Barack’s fans all chanting Barack’s name: Obama! Obama! Obama! Make no mistake about it, jabroni, Barack is gonna reach up AND SNATCH the Presidential title. Barack’s gonna prove it to you, you, this goof punditin’ on camera, this chick gawkin’ at Barack exactly WHY Barack IS The Great One, EXACTLY why Barack IS The Chosen One, and exactly why Barack is, without a shadow of a doubt…THEEE BEST damn United States President…there ever was…
If Ya Smell-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-laow What BaRACK…Isss Cookin’!
Jim Ross: Oh the fight is on! Stone Cold!! Stone Cold!! Stone Cold!!
Jerry “The King” Lawler: You knew it wouldn’t be long before these two got into it, J.R.! Whoo hoo!! Oh no! Triple M sneaks up from behind!
Jim Ross: Triple M, Mitt Michigan Massachusetts!! The Financial Assassin! Oh my, here comes the Big Vet Machine, McCain!! Hellfire and Libstone!
“I am a real American. Fight for the rights of every man. I am a real American. Fight for what’s right. Fight for your life!”
[theme song plays]
J.R. and The King: It’s Huckabee Hogan!!!
Jim Ross: Good God Almighty! The Immortal Huckabee Hogan! We thought we’d seen that last of him after his dealings with the eWo, the Evangelical World Order!
Jerry “The King” Lawler: I can’t believe it, J.R. I thought Huckabee Hogan was finished! But it must have been the power of all his little Huckamaniacs that brought him back to life.
Jim Ross: Never underestimate the power of Huckamania, King. Boomer Sooner BBQ sauce! We have a Pier 6 brawl in the political ring! No time for catch-as-catch-can style here. This is one hellacious match! The Stone Hill Stunner!! Clinton just hit the Stone Hill Stunner on Barack!!
Jerry “The King” Lawler: Barack!! Get up Barack!!
Jim Ross: By Gawd! McCain is whippin’ ‘em like a government mule! Clinton counters with the You Says Press! Never put anything past the Arkansas Rattlesnake. Mudsling Stomp in the corner! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold!
Jerry “The King” Lawler: Huckabee Hogan hucks out on Triple M! Huckabee Hogan with the Big Boost!! Huckabee with the Deleg Drop on Triple M!! It’s over!
Jim Ross: Not quite, King. Look. McCain catches Huckabee with a Vote Slam! The Big Vet Machine seems invincible. Not even Clinton’s You Says Press and Mudsling Stomp stopped him for long. Will McCain be our new champion? Will McCain go on to Electamania?
Jerry “The King” Lawler: Wait. It’s Barack!! The Spinbuster on Stone Cold Hillary Clinton! Oh oh! Hear that crowd, J.R.? It’s time for the most electrifying move in political entertainment today, here it is, The People’s Escrow! Whoo hoo!!
Jim Ross: Barack says there’s no stopping the Nation of Obamanation! Oh my, King. Look at the candidates. Clinton’s left in a bad bad way. Huckabee’s been taken to the woodshed. My Gawd, the carnage! In all my 34 years in the business I have never seen anything like this.
Jerry “The King” Lawler: Wait, J.R. Are you seeing this? Triple M’s trying something here. Looks like the King of Blings says they haven’t finished playing The Game.
Jim Ross: Triple M creeps up behind McCain with the Pledgehammer. McCain turns around! Tombstone!! Triple M is out of it!! Triple M is not going to Electamania!!
No presidential candidates were hurt during the production of this satire. Remember to get out and vote this election year, regardless of your candidate of choice. I’m John Lucas, and you can bet that I approved this message!