No doubt inspired by the billion-dollar revival of fellow beloved 80s toy and animated television series Transformers, Paramount Pictures and Hasbro have again teamed up and brought G.I. Joe to the big-screen with G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Or at least a version of it, as this particular vision of the franchise has opted to pick and choose various elements of the animated series and various comic books for its source material, cobbling them together and adding lots and lots of computer-generated imagery to help bring the famed Real American Heroes (scratch that, International force) to life.

Unfortunately, much of the charm and character-driven nuance that made the original animated series (Joe had existed in pure 12” action-form long before) such a classic has been removed here, replaced with costumed characters that often bear no resemblance to their famed namesakes in both looks and personal backgrounds. There are those who would callously dismiss this franchise as ‘just’ a cartoon designed to sell toys, but there are reasons why its lasted this long, but I’ll be damned if they’re in this movie.

When NATO-funded nanotechnology manages to fall into the wrong hands, led by the sinister and double-crossing weapons expert James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston), his opposing team of personality-driven foes will stop at nothing in order to demonstrate their destructive power. It’s not long before it’s up to the International group of anti-terrorism experts G.I. Joe and their equally personality-driven heroes to help save the day. To be honest the silliness of it all isn’t that far removed from the animated series, and there are several action sequences which (despite their awkward pacing and horrendous visual effects) are entertaining and watchable. Fine stuff for your standard action flick, but those looking for a truly G.I. Joe experience will be disappointed.

While I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but I fail to see how Channing Tatum continues to find work in leading roles. He’s completely miscast as the historically brave Duke, whom in other versions inspired and led his fellow Joes into countless laser battles and skirmishes. Here, Tatum is hopelessly out of place, exhibiting no leadership qualities whatsoever, slurring his lines and constantly mucking things up. It’s nearly the same with Sienna Miller as The Baroness, who sole contribution to the role seems to be walking across the screen in her sexy tight-leather costume to show off her tight, round butt. Granted, she does this well, and when called for can convincingly extend her arms to approximate holding firearms.

On the other hand, I really enjoyed Marlon Wayans rather restrained take on the race-swapped Ripcord, who despite having been partnered with deadwood Tatum (see above) does the best with what he can. Likewise with popular character Scarlett played with gusto by Rachel Nichols (the sexy green chick in this year’s Star Trek), and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Heavy Duty. Along with the likes of Dennis Quaid (General Hawk…the spiritual equivalent to the real Duke) and Lee Byung-hun (Storm Shadow), they perform admirably in a film that will never appreciate it.

After the movie ended I went online to research it a bit more, and after learning the film’s budget hovered somewhere around $175 million dollars, my jaw dropped. I’m wondering where the money went, given that GI-Joe doesn’t feature any bankable stars, and the various special-effects are anything but, sometimes astonishingly bad in both their design and clumsy execution. Like all of director Stephen Sommer’s films (including The Mummy, Van Helsing), everything up on the screen looks cheap and feels forced, with certain CG sequences less convincing than Roger Rabbit (also scored, incidentally, by composer Alan Silvestri). Amateur critics may call for his blood, but at least fellow Hasbro-toy director Michael Bay can stage and pull this stuff off in ways people can point to any frame and dsay, “So that’s where the money went.” I’d compare Joe’s effects to videogame cut-scenes, but frankly, I’ve seen games with far better CG than anything on display here.

To be fair, there are moments when the spirit and essence of what made so many people fall in love with classic (i.e. 80s-era) Joe in the first place oozed through the revisionist cracks. Most prominent is the expressed relationship between dueling ninjas Snake Eyes (played silently by Ray Park) and Storm Shadow (Lee Byung-hun), which partially honored the source material and was fun to watch. Another nod in the right direction was the depiction of The Pitt, the underground lair that houses the Joes training and deployment facilities. Can’t say I was that impressed with the odd reworking of Cobra Commander (in both costume and voice), but Joseph Gordon-Levitt does the best with what he can and seems like he’s having fun.

For longtime fans of the franchise’s varying incarnations, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra will likely be an exercise in nostalgic frustration, with plenty of brain cells poised to pop as they watch their favorite characters deformed and bastardized needlessly. Retro-nerd that I am, I’ll admit to being one of them and have already begun to forget this iteration entirely, and this coming from someone who loved the Transformers movies. But for other less demanding viewers, the film they’re getting is little more than harmless fun, a bloodless action adventure where the less they know, the better they’ll be. To effectively enjoy this version of G.I. Joe, not knowing is half the battle.